Cancer Rant (first and last)

I need to just get this off my chest (and yes, I know - duh).

I hate cancer.  I hate f*cking cancer.  I hate metastatic cancer, recurrent cancer, a first cancer - I hate individual cancer cells and cancerous masses.  I hate small cell and non-small cell cancers.  I hate lung cancer.  I hate lung cancer in a person that has never smoked a single cigarette in her 73 years of being on this planet.  I hate lung cancer in a person that smokes two packs a day - because, for Pete's sake, smoking is not a sin.  Smoker's aren't evil human beings deserving of cancer - they're just smokers.  I hate hearing two days after Christmas (a few years back now) that a friend was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in her brain - a sentence that says 'you'd better enjoy your last year' because a year is about all that is left.  I hate that this was a friend that stopped along I-95 (yes, the interstate with all of the cars going a gazillion mph) to pick up a wood duck chick because the rest of the wood duck family had been squished in the middle of the road - a friend who spent years as a child advocate in the courts, who spent time going out to be sure that people were taking their AIDS medications.  A friend who painted fun paintings of women during a night out on the town.  I hate that someone who didn't stop and save the wood duck also might have been diagnosed with a glioblastoma.  I hate that a friend had cervical cancer that was treated but decided to recur and was staged as a '3' and put my friend through hell.  A friend with a 3-year old daughter who couldn't imagine not watching her daughter grow up.  While I'm deeply grateful that this friend is alive and kicking and is 'cancer-free', I hate that she fears a recurrence every time her body changes.  I hate that some people are saying that they don't think that a HPV vaccine should be mandatory for young girls because they're 'sure' that their daughter won't have sex.  I hate that another friend had testicular cancer and went through treatments, and while he's well and good, I know that every now and then that the "C" word creeps into his brain and stays for awhile.  I hate that he knows every testicle joke there is.  I hate that a close friend from graduate school battled oral cancer all fall and only told three people.  I hate that he lost 57 lbs and had a 10 inch incision in his neck that months later he's still in physical therapy for.  I hate that in order to be able to swallow even water that he almost overdosed on oxycodon.  I hate that my friend's husband, a wonderful pianist, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I hated watching him at the piano, playing passionately, each piece being played as if it were his last.  I hate that my friend, almost a year later, wears grief on her face even still.  I hate that another friend lost her brother and father within several years of each other of pancreatic cancer, and I hate that she is now in a program for people at high risk of pancreatic cancer.  I hate that she worries (below the surface) about this hideous disease.  I hate that my aunt had breast cancer, even though she smoked and thought McDonalds and Whole Foods were the equivalent of good nutrition.  I hate that my mom now has her same oncologist.  I hate that my mother, who had cancer when she was 28 years old (and I was three) - thryoid cancer due to radiation treatments for tonsilitis gone-awry - lived in periodic fear of it returning for all of these years and now at the age of 73, it's shown up.  I hate that her oncologist says that the two cancers are not linked, because in her mind they will always be.  I hate that so many people are now sharing with me their cancer stories, because I hate that they have to go through it too - either as an active participant in the battle, or as a muddling observer.  I appreciate their words greatly, but I hate their cancer, and the cancers of their friends and family.

Okay, I feel better now.  Enough of hating cancer - I just had to say it once.       

Comments

[Pat]

Good rant, Pam. I think most anyone would understand if that wasn't the end of it.

[Joan]

Amen. Amen. I've felt the same but you've said it better.

[Gene]

Oh, Pam, I am sooooo with you. Cancer sucks!
gene

[Vera]

It's all so scary. I have a friend whos boss has a reare really aggressive cancer, and it's been very difficult.

[Diane]

Someday you'll know why the word " hey they just dont get IT". For the one's that do get IT! Say IT! Fight IT! CURE IT!!!

[Pam]

Thanks you guys - we had a bit of hopeful news tonight, and yes - fight it we shall.

[Testicular-Cancer.co.uk]

Hi Pam,

I know exactly what you mean, I had Testicular Cancer last year, but take heart from the fact that he does know every single joke (we all do - and we even make them up on Cancer wards!!), nobody will be able to offend him!

And yes, it will creep back into his brain - the dreaded "C" word, but at least he's in safe hands and knows what it is - think about the thousands who may not even know they have it - I was lucky and caught it early - went stage 2 and lived to tell the tale - others aren't so lucky!

[Pam]

Hi T-C.co.uk: What an informative and useful site that you have! I read through a post tonight, and although our family is faced with another type of cancer, the relevance is there. Thanks for stopping by - and I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. Do take care of yourself.

[Stardo]

I found your post by googling the words, "i hate lung cancer." i lost my precious husband in may of 2006 to the horrible dx. He was asymtomatic when he was dx'd in Nov of 2005. it was found at stage 4. Grief is not linear as i miss him just as much as the day he passed. Thank you for posting my exact thoughts. Warmly, Stardo

[Pam]

Hi Stardo, I'm sorry that you found me via googling such a difficult phrase - but I'm slowly beginning to understand some of what you went through. My Mom is stage IIIB - a controversial stage with respect to treatment (and it's generally treated like a stage IV diagnosis). I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that this disease is even out there, and that we have to confront it. Hang in there. Pam