...and you?

~a vase filled with wildflowers, drying~

~~~~~

I'm tired.  It's been a strange few days.  Frustrating, hard, and I'm tired.

That's all I really have for now.

~~~~~

Sunday morning.  This morning I realized how goofy it was of me to write what I did above.  It was kind of melodramatic and just goofy.  I was tired.  What I meant to say was:  my Father has been declining cognitively - and in a faster progression than is typical for Alzeheimers (which has not been his diagnosis thus far yet still remains as the elephant in the room) and at his appointment on Friday the word 'delirium' was used.  The upside is that often there is a physical cause for this - an infection, drug interactions, etc - that is linked to the decline.  So he had a number of tests and we are waiting to hear back regarding the results.  At the same time I've been making phone calls to interview possible live-in healthcare providers (my family has the good fortune to have a Father with longterm healthcare coverage).  Last night I spoke with my Father about not driving until we know what is going on for sure - (fortunately my niece has been with him this weekend, but she catches a flight back to Burlington this morning) -- he asked if it was okay if he drove her to the airport, which is close by, and I said yes.  I told him not to go to church, but I'm sure that he will.  He always does.  So with that as the backdrop, I have a collaborative 2M grant proposal due tomorrow, on Friday night the Airstream lost power and it was 46 degrees inside of it when I woke up (it's been since repaired) and the person who terminated my contract/position has done given notice that our business person will be reduced to a 50% position soon.  She has been with the University for a longtime and his justification was bogus and I've strongly felt that old cliche:  'you can mess with me, but you'd better not mess with my friends'  and I'm exhausted from watching this person systematically and with little oversight cripple an exciting program and the individuals loyal to it. Then there is the fact that as of January I am once again without a salary (my grant finally got transferred for the fall)  and there are few jobs being advertised and what the hell will I do?  I think I'll start by planting the sasanqua my camellia friend gave me a week ago.  That's a good place to start, don't you think? 

Comments

[eliz]

The balmy days of fall are finally here this weekend and it's beautiful. And we got a bunch of trees planted--that always seems like an accomplishment. I wish it was better for you!

[Pam]

We've had a beautiful weekend here - still some warmth but low humidity...very cool about the trees - I did get a few pots of perennials in the ground yesterday that have been sitting around, but haven't had the time to play outside like I want to (which is just plain wrong).

[Janet]

Tough times Pam. I have said this before, grief can do strange things to the surviving partner. Your dad's delirium 'could' be directly related to that. How thankful you must be for his longsightedness to have Longterm Healthcare insurance. We have been talking about that now....buy early when rates aren't too high.
Give that person who is cutting positions the Evil Eye.

[Pam]

Thanks Janet. Am on ocassion having weeks that seem a bit too much, that's for sure. I agree that my Dad's delirium could be related to grief, no doubt there. He's just so much better when someone is around, is not ready for 'assisted living' (doesn't want to live his home) - so if we can get someone with him, it might really help. Otherwise he's so healthy, he has the chance to have a bunch of good years if we can work through this.

Yeah, the Evil Eye is a good one, isn't it? This person's salary is now consuming almost the entire budget of the program - when no one is getting raises, or when he's cutting for 'budget' reasons, he still manages to get a pay raise. It's obscene.

[katherine]

And so, our heroine soldiers on....

[joan]

Sh*t. You have a lot to deal with right now. Isn't this person near retirement? Can that be hoped for?

[Layanee]

Planting is therapy but I think you may need a few more plants to help you along. How old is Dad? I can relate as my Mom is now 86 and has had some recent issues. Worrying can't help but it is inevitable. I have been tired this summer also....I think that says it all. Worry is exhausting.

[Pam]

Katherine, reluctantly, yes - I'm soldiering on.

Joan, yep - when it rains it seems to pour! This person is near retirement, but is the kind that wants to look back and say 'see? the place feel apart without me' rather than 'see? it's so good to feel a part of something bigger than oneself'. It's been rather horrible - and makes me sad. Our program used to be so vibrant.

Layanee, yeah - I'm probably needing to plant trees now! My father is only 76 - and is otherwise healthy. The cognitive stuff has been difficult because it's also not been clearcut with him - there is no real signs of Alzhiemers, just dementia - depression-linked and now this funky delirium. He's had complete cognitive screening three times since June. I hope your Mom is okay - does she live nearby? Worry is definitely exhausting. Hang in there, and go plant a bunch of stuff yourself!

[Susan Tomlinson]

Geez--it's been really busy here, so I haven't had much chance to stop by and catch up on what's going on. I'm sorry that you are in the middle of this very tough period. It *will* pass, though. I promise.

In the meantime, finding a good caregiver for your dad might help a lot. Or maybe you could look into "independent" living for your dad--it isn't quite the same thing as assisted living, but makes a pretty good bridge. We put my mother in an independent living facility that is happy and cheerful, and full of her peers. She doesn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning, and there are lots of people in the apartment complex around if something happens. There is even a little bus to take them to church on Sundays. I have to confess, I've been surprised at how well it has worked out.

She still misses my father terribly, but at least she's safe now and not living alone in an empty house.

Anyway, I'm holding you up to the light today.

[kate]

Ugh. I'm sorry to read about your work and your dad. My dad is having much the same problem and it's a huge worry. Planting does seem like a good thing to be doing...